Monday, June 30, 2008

fabulous one liner

"That kid's fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat rack."

I will be applying this liberally.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

another bathroom thing

yet another wrapper on a society obsessed with sealable airtight products.

What in the F is the deal with toilet seat liners? Why are we using these? Is it to absorb the pee drops some women can't resist leaving on a public toilet seat (another blog altogether)? Disappointingly and frrom experience, it doesn't absorb the pee enough. Are they some magical barrier preventing the spread of all those nasty toilet seat transmitted diseases my great aunt warned my mother about? Or the crabs my sophomore year college roommate claimed she got from a toilet seat? Could their plague have been avoided?

Women who use these possibly-thousands-of-butts-touching-the-same-place preventers seem overly fussy to me. And they seem like germaphobes. These are the same women who harass their hands with antibacterial gel several times a day. We live in a world crammed full of people and its getting more crowded. Toilet seat liners aren't going to prevent a damned thing.

But PS: Here's what I LIKE about the toilet seat liners. It's fun to pee on the middle part until it collapses into the toilet. Although I don't like it enough to continue using them after my These-Are-Useless realization.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Meditation

Is it considered meditation if you're sitting on the toilet? Honestly, I get into some deep relaxation and heavy thoughts when I'm sitting there. My mind can either be deeply engaged in my body or float far far away. Plus, I'm more naked, so I feel closer to my "natural state".

The only issue I face are the other women who share the bathroom. Sometimes they use the bathroom for meditation purposes. Most of the time this does not distract me from my own, but sometimes it does. What I really don't like are the heavy breathers. These women act like the bathroom is a trauma to be endured. They really throw off my vibes.

Monday, June 23, 2008

hell is knocking

http://www.heelarious.com/index.php

further evidence we are very very close to the end of the world. VERY CLOSE.

From another article about the HEELarious baby heels, "The weight of a baby standing up in them would apparently crack the heel in half." Crack in half and splinter into your baby's feet? Are there homing devices embedded in the shoes by the Departement of Social Services tracking all the A-hole mothers who buy these? Jesus on a stick, I hope so.

Friday, June 20, 2008

pink lemonade

Wikipedia says some guy accidentally put cinamon candies in his yellow lemonade and it sold "surprisingly well". After that, grenadine was used to color pink lemonade. So... pink lemonade is pink because of food coloring and it has always been thus. I am unimpressed, folks.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Question

What the hell is PINK lemonade?! Seriously, I was pouring a package of Pink Lemonade flavored EmergenC into my Nalgene bottle, and thought "Is there such a thing as a pink lemon?" and not in the ironic way. I feel like the plastic coating on my American life has finally seeped into my brain.

Anybody got any answers on the pink thing?

Friday, June 6, 2008

in a meeting

i was in a meeting this morning. the meeting went pretty well. i like talking about designing databases, organizing information (seriously, shut up). but then i got bored. the views from our offices are reeeeaaaaalllyyy nice. I often just stare out the window to give my brain a break.

halfway through a point being made, i lost it and my attention carreened into the Bay and Angel Island and Alcatraz. i mentally perked up a few seconds later realizing i had lost the thread of the conversation. i laughed to myself thinking, "this is one of those moments in the Simpsons where Homer has a thought bubble with a circus monkey banging symbols and Homer's voice saying 'doh doh doh doh doh....'" Then I literally thought "doh doh doh doh doh...." and truly lost any hope of recovering back into the gyst of the meeting. that seemed pretty dumb to me.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

the ring

Is it wrong to build my own engagement ring online while at work? Probably no more wrong than blogging about it directly afterward.

In case you'd like to know...

square cut platinum shank setting

.84 carat D color Very Good Cut WS1 (I don't know what that means) diamond

It only costs $5250!! Uh, hmmmm.

I know I should be concerning myself with more important issues. But the girl in me is calling out to the lovely shiny ring. Kiss me, lovely shiny ring. I want to wake up with a craggy deep indentation on my cheek from your pointy pointy corners. I want you to distract me with your brilliance while driving around town. I want to jiggle my hand ever so slightly to adjust your placement, so that others may see you better.

There aren't too many aspects of the All-American wedding dream I actually buy into. Yet, clearly, I'm a deer caught in the ring's dazzling-cut, D-colored headlights.

Monday, June 2, 2008

perusing

I was perusing the other blogs. I became slightly dissillusioned.

#1 Lots of blogs that LOOK interesting - judging from the pictures - but are in a different language. Primarily Spanish. NO ABLA damnit...

#2 Lots of boring pictures of white people's babies. Your baby is fat and blonde. Duh.

#3 SCRAP BOOKING. What? Yes. I went through probably 20 different blogs. THREE of them referenced or were all about scrap booking. I call it crap booking. Because who give a crap? Crap Booking is lame. Did you know there are crap booking classes?! Mid American INSANITY, I say. Go back to school or something. Leave the puffy paint to the 3rd grade glitter princesses.

PS: Sorry to all you crap bookers out there.

the lawyer was mean to me

Ok, really. This is work. No need to be mean. I swear to god, she was angry from the moment she called. "This is just a renegotiation. Why are we making all these changes?!" Yelling. My boss could hear her yelling from my handset. I became a wrung out wash cloth. When she demanded not to deal with me "You're not an ATTORNEY?! I think I should speak with an attorney..." My response? "Ok, that sounds nice. Goodbye." And I hung up. I was so completely discombobulated that "Ok, that sounds nice." was the only thing I could think of to say. I just wanted her OFF... MY... PHONE.

I think I just failed "Angry 101 - How to deal with difficult client lawyers"