I called a client who had some problems with the Terms and Conditions of our membership agreement. It's not all that uncommon, but from the edits sent to me, it looked like the client had crossed out entire sections, which is not so common.
When I got a hold of the client, I was told they were crossed out because those parts of the Terms and Conditions were "too legal".
too legal
Monday, January 5, 2009
2 things that make me feel like Andy Rooney
1. Winter coats with 3/4 length bell sleeves. What? Your forearms don't get cold? You like to collect wind in your sleeves?
2. There is no such thing as the following chewing gum flavors:
2. There is no such thing as the following chewing gum flavors:
- Wintermint
- Arctic Blast
- Arctic Freeze
What's more, those "flavors" don't taste nearly as good as PEPPERMINT.
I ruined the joke!
DAMN IT!
Cute guy at the deli (let me be clear, he's not really someone I'd want to date, but he's super hot in a low key kind of way and I adore joking with him). He asked me what I did for New Year's. I said I was sick (true) and stayed home. I added that it was rather enjoyable to stay home, and that NYE was really starting to lose it's sparkle for me. But, seriously, NYE lost it's sparkle around 2002, so "starting" is not exactly accurate. He said, "New Year's Eve lost it's sparkle a LONG time ago for me." To which I dryly replied, "You must be a LOT older than me." Straight faced, "I'm 75 years old." (See why I like joking with him?) Me? "I'm thirty... NINE!"
Really, genius? You lied by 3 years? Way to crap on a joke...
Then of course, I'm taking the elevator upstairs, the whole time vascillating between cringing at my part and laughing at his and then laughing at what I COULD HAVE said. When I'm thinking an emotion, it shows on my face. By the time I get to my office, I'm actually talking to myself, and one of the IT guys who normally will not afford me the dignity of eye contact walks by and hears me blathering to myself about how "I really fucked that up..."
Can I please escape me?
Cute guy at the deli (let me be clear, he's not really someone I'd want to date, but he's super hot in a low key kind of way and I adore joking with him). He asked me what I did for New Year's. I said I was sick (true) and stayed home. I added that it was rather enjoyable to stay home, and that NYE was really starting to lose it's sparkle for me. But, seriously, NYE lost it's sparkle around 2002, so "starting" is not exactly accurate. He said, "New Year's Eve lost it's sparkle a LONG time ago for me." To which I dryly replied, "You must be a LOT older than me." Straight faced, "I'm 75 years old." (See why I like joking with him?) Me? "I'm thirty... NINE!"
Really, genius? You lied by 3 years? Way to crap on a joke...
Then of course, I'm taking the elevator upstairs, the whole time vascillating between cringing at my part and laughing at his and then laughing at what I COULD HAVE said. When I'm thinking an emotion, it shows on my face. By the time I get to my office, I'm actually talking to myself, and one of the IT guys who normally will not afford me the dignity of eye contact walks by and hears me blathering to myself about how "I really fucked that up..."
Can I please escape me?
Friday, January 2, 2009
A holiday play in one act, with four characters
My mother's living room during the Christmas holiday. My mother, my brother, my sister-in-law and myself sitting around discussing things and watching TV.
Myself: (lightly rubbing my chin with my index finger) I have another chin hair.
My Sister-in-Law: Yeah, I get those too. I'm kind of hairy.
Myself: No you're not. You showed me your belly and you don't even have a love trail. I have to pluck love trail hairs out of my tattoo.
My Sister-in-Law: Well, look at my arm hair. You don't have ANY arm hair.
Myself: True. I don't have any arm hair. And I only have to shave my legs once a week.
My Sister-in-Law: My leg hair grows back quick. I have a hair that grows out of my forehead.
My Sister-in-Law reaches up to her forehead to search for her stray chin/forehead hair.
My Sister-in-Law: Hey! I found it!
My Sister-in-Law pulls the chin/forehead hair to extend it to its full length.
Myself: No WAY!
My Sister-in-Law grabs near the root of her chin/forehead hair and pulls the hair free from its root and hands the hair to Myself to inspect.
Myself holds the hair up to the light for further inspection, fascinated.
Myself: Wow! This is just like the hairs I pull from my chin. So crazy, it's growing from your forehead.
My Sister-in-Law: Yeah, I know!
My Mother: I never talked about this stuff, and I always thought it was just me.
Myself: Well, that's why women talk about this stuff now. So we don't think we're crazy.
My Mother: Yeah, I get it.
My Brother: (complete silence)
FIN
Myself: (lightly rubbing my chin with my index finger) I have another chin hair.
My Sister-in-Law: Yeah, I get those too. I'm kind of hairy.
Myself: No you're not. You showed me your belly and you don't even have a love trail. I have to pluck love trail hairs out of my tattoo.
My Sister-in-Law: Well, look at my arm hair. You don't have ANY arm hair.
Myself: True. I don't have any arm hair. And I only have to shave my legs once a week.
My Sister-in-Law: My leg hair grows back quick. I have a hair that grows out of my forehead.
My Sister-in-Law reaches up to her forehead to search for her stray chin/forehead hair.
My Sister-in-Law: Hey! I found it!
My Sister-in-Law pulls the chin/forehead hair to extend it to its full length.
Myself: No WAY!
My Sister-in-Law grabs near the root of her chin/forehead hair and pulls the hair free from its root and hands the hair to Myself to inspect.
Myself holds the hair up to the light for further inspection, fascinated.
Myself: Wow! This is just like the hairs I pull from my chin. So crazy, it's growing from your forehead.
My Sister-in-Law: Yeah, I know!
My Mother: I never talked about this stuff, and I always thought it was just me.
Myself: Well, that's why women talk about this stuff now. So we don't think we're crazy.
My Mother: Yeah, I get it.
My Brother: (complete silence)
FIN
Monday, December 15, 2008
When left to my own devices...
So, I decided to stay home from work today. Life has been a bit overwhelming lately, and it's reflected in the crap state of my apartment, which has not, as yet, completed the unpacking process (as if I have nothing to do with it). So I thought the best way to make my soul feel less chaotic would be to make my environment less chaotic. And I will say, it has worked. I'm not completely "cured" of my maladies, but I feel a hell of a lot better.
I will admit, I have not showered today, I have not brushed my teeth, I have not eaten a real meal. I DID however, brush my hair. Mostly because I found a hair brush I'm particularly fond of and wanted to reaffirm my affinity by using it. I brush my hair less than half a dozen times per year, so I'm not sure this counts toward grooming.
The clean up project found me starting my day in a bathrobe. But that became a bit cumbersome, considering I kept having to re-tie the belt. There was the option of ditching the robe altogether, and I don't mind doing all this stuff naked, except for a couple of issues. 1) I'm pulling stuff out of boxes. A lot of the boxes have dirt and dust in them. I don't want to get that all over my nudity. 2) I have big boobs. And when I get going, my boobs start to sweat underneath. It's just uncomfortable in a sticky way, and why most women who have big boobs don't relish going bra-less. Plus, there's something about having them strapped down with a barbaric combination of elastic and wire that makes me feel more secure throughout the day. 3) It's COLD in my apartment. Even when I'm moving around. Being naked and cold seems seriously ridiculous considering the bulk of my project consisted of folding and organizing my own clothing.
As the first hours of my day wore on, I grabbed different articles of clothing to put on my body. The end result being what you see below:
.jpg)
At first glance this ensemble may not seem hilarious, but when I break it down, you might laugh at me like I laughed at me when I finally took a good look at myself.
First, the pants. I will say, this was the first article of clothing. They are pants I believe once belonged to Nassim's brother. They just appeared one day after I had lost my favorite pair of cargo pants. Nassim had gotten an earful of whining when I realized they had gone missing, and I suspect he might have stolen them from his brother and placed them gingerly among my other pants so as to ease my misery. Sweet guy, huh? Of course, I poo-poo-ed them, and never put them on until now. Half because they clearly were NOT my beloved cargo pants (why the hell does a 36 year old woman own cargo pants if she's not a gardener or a zookeeper? I don't know, but they're comfortable and this isn't What Not To Wear), and half because I didn't want Nassim's brother to catch me wearing his pants. Now that I've worn them, they're pretty great as hang-around-the-house pants. And there's no longer any danger of Nassim's brother catching me in them.
I walked around with just the pants on for a while. Then, as I mentioned, I got cold.
As my coldness reached a crucial act-now level, I was dealing with a pile of clothing I will never wear. When I got my job almost a year ago, I realized I would need some new work clothes. My previous job at Dolby afforded my boss the freedom to wear fleece jackets, elastic waistband floods and clogs. All at the age of 42. You can just imagine what my idea of "business casual" was. My preferred shopping venue is online. And a site like bluefly.com was a favorite. Of course when I got my load of bluefly articles, TWO of them were defective. But did I return them? Oh no. That's too much work. There's a flaw in this system, I know. I've improved since then Especially with the reminder of the two articles of clothing hanging around. Yes, not only did I order them, receive them, and then not return them, I KEPT THEM AROUND for no reason I can think to give. Well, I found one of those two items today. A lovely light blue cowl neck made of jersey material. The front of the cowl neck was partially sewn to itself, giving it an assymetrical look. I've occasionally wondered whether it's supposed to be that way, but am reassured once I try it on. It's been tried on eight times now. By me.
But today, I didn't need to take it off because I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't have to wear a camisole underneath, and what's more, I did not have to wear a bra. Now, my outfit is almost complete. I have Nassim's brothers pajama-like pants on, and my defective bluefly.com cowl neck with no cami and no bra on, creating a daring plunging neck line rarely seen off the red carpet for good reason.
But really, to make the outfit whole, one should accessorize. Upon unpacking a random box, I found my one and only belt. It's a pretty awesome belt I rarely wear because one time someone took a picture of me wearing it and I looked fat in the photo. Yes, I realize the belt had nothing to do with me looking fat, and in fact, it probably helped lessen the "fatness", but somehow I associated the belt with me looking lumpy in this one photo (I think I might have had a bit too much to drink when that photo was taken and I will say I never sit up straight when I'm lit - thus accentuating the "fatness"), so I put it away to be dealt with once the sting of the photo wore off. It's a wide brown leather, with black, gold, bronze and silver rivets all over it. Very cool. So why not put it on? Why not indeed.
Now that I no longer need articles of clothing, I go about making my apartment look like a human being who gives a crap about her life lives in it.
Six hours later, I took one look at myself and realized how unironically I put myself together on this special day. I just felt I had to take a picture of myself with my cell phone, and post that bad lad on the internets for all to see. I hope this has reached in you in good spirits.
Happy Holidays, people.
PS: You can thank me later for covering my braless melons with my forearms. It was totally done on purpose.
I will admit, I have not showered today, I have not brushed my teeth, I have not eaten a real meal. I DID however, brush my hair. Mostly because I found a hair brush I'm particularly fond of and wanted to reaffirm my affinity by using it. I brush my hair less than half a dozen times per year, so I'm not sure this counts toward grooming.
The clean up project found me starting my day in a bathrobe. But that became a bit cumbersome, considering I kept having to re-tie the belt. There was the option of ditching the robe altogether, and I don't mind doing all this stuff naked, except for a couple of issues. 1) I'm pulling stuff out of boxes. A lot of the boxes have dirt and dust in them. I don't want to get that all over my nudity. 2) I have big boobs. And when I get going, my boobs start to sweat underneath. It's just uncomfortable in a sticky way, and why most women who have big boobs don't relish going bra-less. Plus, there's something about having them strapped down with a barbaric combination of elastic and wire that makes me feel more secure throughout the day. 3) It's COLD in my apartment. Even when I'm moving around. Being naked and cold seems seriously ridiculous considering the bulk of my project consisted of folding and organizing my own clothing.
As the first hours of my day wore on, I grabbed different articles of clothing to put on my body. The end result being what you see below:
.jpg)
At first glance this ensemble may not seem hilarious, but when I break it down, you might laugh at me like I laughed at me when I finally took a good look at myself.
First, the pants. I will say, this was the first article of clothing. They are pants I believe once belonged to Nassim's brother. They just appeared one day after I had lost my favorite pair of cargo pants. Nassim had gotten an earful of whining when I realized they had gone missing, and I suspect he might have stolen them from his brother and placed them gingerly among my other pants so as to ease my misery. Sweet guy, huh? Of course, I poo-poo-ed them, and never put them on until now. Half because they clearly were NOT my beloved cargo pants (why the hell does a 36 year old woman own cargo pants if she's not a gardener or a zookeeper? I don't know, but they're comfortable and this isn't What Not To Wear), and half because I didn't want Nassim's brother to catch me wearing his pants. Now that I've worn them, they're pretty great as hang-around-the-house pants. And there's no longer any danger of Nassim's brother catching me in them.
I walked around with just the pants on for a while. Then, as I mentioned, I got cold.
As my coldness reached a crucial act-now level, I was dealing with a pile of clothing I will never wear. When I got my job almost a year ago, I realized I would need some new work clothes. My previous job at Dolby afforded my boss the freedom to wear fleece jackets, elastic waistband floods and clogs. All at the age of 42. You can just imagine what my idea of "business casual" was. My preferred shopping venue is online. And a site like bluefly.com was a favorite. Of course when I got my load of bluefly articles, TWO of them were defective. But did I return them? Oh no. That's too much work. There's a flaw in this system, I know. I've improved since then Especially with the reminder of the two articles of clothing hanging around. Yes, not only did I order them, receive them, and then not return them, I KEPT THEM AROUND for no reason I can think to give. Well, I found one of those two items today. A lovely light blue cowl neck made of jersey material. The front of the cowl neck was partially sewn to itself, giving it an assymetrical look. I've occasionally wondered whether it's supposed to be that way, but am reassured once I try it on. It's been tried on eight times now. By me.
But today, I didn't need to take it off because I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't have to wear a camisole underneath, and what's more, I did not have to wear a bra. Now, my outfit is almost complete. I have Nassim's brothers pajama-like pants on, and my defective bluefly.com cowl neck with no cami and no bra on, creating a daring plunging neck line rarely seen off the red carpet for good reason.
But really, to make the outfit whole, one should accessorize. Upon unpacking a random box, I found my one and only belt. It's a pretty awesome belt I rarely wear because one time someone took a picture of me wearing it and I looked fat in the photo. Yes, I realize the belt had nothing to do with me looking fat, and in fact, it probably helped lessen the "fatness", but somehow I associated the belt with me looking lumpy in this one photo (I think I might have had a bit too much to drink when that photo was taken and I will say I never sit up straight when I'm lit - thus accentuating the "fatness"), so I put it away to be dealt with once the sting of the photo wore off. It's a wide brown leather, with black, gold, bronze and silver rivets all over it. Very cool. So why not put it on? Why not indeed.
Now that I no longer need articles of clothing, I go about making my apartment look like a human being who gives a crap about her life lives in it.
Six hours later, I took one look at myself and realized how unironically I put myself together on this special day. I just felt I had to take a picture of myself with my cell phone, and post that bad lad on the internets for all to see. I hope this has reached in you in good spirits.
Happy Holidays, people.
PS: You can thank me later for covering my braless melons with my forearms. It was totally done on purpose.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
getting old
You know you're getting old when you watch the movie Juno and relate more strongly to Jennifer Garner's character than JUNO herself.
Plus, all you people making babies out there are making me itchy to make my own. Is that weird to admit? Meh, too bad for you, it's all your fault anyway.
As a side note, I'm immediately going to iTunes to buy the Juno soundtrack. It's pretty F-ing awesome.
And then as another sidenote, I think it's interesting that it took me until almost 36 years old to get this biological clock a tickin'.
Plus of that (as Nassim would say), it's raining the first real rain of fall in San Francisco. It's such a relief to me. The sun is beautiful, but it freaks me out after a while. That's what I get for growing up with 4 seasons, i guess.
PS: I don't like Sarah Palin.
Plus, all you people making babies out there are making me itchy to make my own. Is that weird to admit? Meh, too bad for you, it's all your fault anyway.
As a side note, I'm immediately going to iTunes to buy the Juno soundtrack. It's pretty F-ing awesome.
And then as another sidenote, I think it's interesting that it took me until almost 36 years old to get this biological clock a tickin'.
Plus of that (as Nassim would say), it's raining the first real rain of fall in San Francisco. It's such a relief to me. The sun is beautiful, but it freaks me out after a while. That's what I get for growing up with 4 seasons, i guess.
PS: I don't like Sarah Palin.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Fly London
I found a great line of shoes today. Their tag line is something about universal youth fashion culture. What the hell is that? As far as I can tell, these shoes are for the woman who likes John Fluevog in theory, but just can't get with the drama of it all (particularly of the hourglass heel - eesh).
Fly London's website is irritating design junk (although it clued me in on some wicked bags), so check them out at endless.com
http://www.endless.com/s/ref=topnav_sk__gw/102-9198084-1304905/?type=&showDesigner=&node=242169011&keywords=fly+london
Fly London's website is irritating design junk (although it clued me in on some wicked bags), so check them out at endless.com
http://www.endless.com/s/ref=topnav_sk__gw/102-9198084-1304905/?type=&showDesigner=&node=242169011&keywords=fly+london
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