Say it's raining. Say you live in a city where most everyone walks on the sidewalks at some point or another in order to get to work. Say you don't really know how to use an umbrella under these circumstances. Here are just two tips.
1. Golf umbrellas. NO. If you can house a small family under the span of your umbrella, it is not appropriate for city sidewalks. Unless you're willing to share your shelter with someone who does not have an umbrella (you get extra points if it's a stranger you don't want to have sex with). If you're from Marin and you commute to the city, this is the umbrella you leave at home for inconsiderate walks in downtown San Anselmo. I don't care how nice your suit is, your umbrella is a menace.
2. Navigating. YES. Please do, when approached by other pedestrians, move your umbrella in any one of the following directions: Up, down, tilt left, tilt right. If you insist on a one-position umbrella, you will likely poke someone's eye out or snag their hair. You have snagged MY hair before. You've almost taken my sight as well.
Anyway, I know you will not heed these tips. I will see you on the sidewalk, approaching me without a care in the world until you catch some part of my person on your umbrella spokes and I come very close to giving you a quick jab to the kidney.
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