I will admit, I have not showered today, I have not brushed my teeth, I have not eaten a real meal. I DID however, brush my hair. Mostly because I found a hair brush I'm particularly fond of and wanted to reaffirm my affinity by using it. I brush my hair less than half a dozen times per year, so I'm not sure this counts toward grooming.
The clean up project found me starting my day in a bathrobe. But that became a bit cumbersome, considering I kept having to re-tie the belt. There was the option of ditching the robe altogether, and I don't mind doing all this stuff naked, except for a couple of issues. 1) I'm pulling stuff out of boxes. A lot of the boxes have dirt and dust in them. I don't want to get that all over my nudity. 2) I have big boobs. And when I get going, my boobs start to sweat underneath. It's just uncomfortable in a sticky way, and why most women who have big boobs don't relish going bra-less. Plus, there's something about having them strapped down with a barbaric combination of elastic and wire that makes me feel more secure throughout the day. 3) It's COLD in my apartment. Even when I'm moving around. Being naked and cold seems seriously ridiculous considering the bulk of my project consisted of folding and organizing my own clothing.
As the first hours of my day wore on, I grabbed different articles of clothing to put on my body. The end result being what you see below:
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At first glance this ensemble may not seem hilarious, but when I break it down, you might laugh at me like I laughed at me when I finally took a good look at myself.
First, the pants. I will say, this was the first article of clothing. They are pants I believe once belonged to Nassim's brother. They just appeared one day after I had lost my favorite pair of cargo pants. Nassim had gotten an earful of whining when I realized they had gone missing, and I suspect he might have stolen them from his brother and placed them gingerly among my other pants so as to ease my misery. Sweet guy, huh? Of course, I poo-poo-ed them, and never put them on until now. Half because they clearly were NOT my beloved cargo pants (why the hell does a 36 year old woman own cargo pants if she's not a gardener or a zookeeper? I don't know, but they're comfortable and this isn't What Not To Wear), and half because I didn't want Nassim's brother to catch me wearing his pants. Now that I've worn them, they're pretty great as hang-around-the-house pants. And there's no longer any danger of Nassim's brother catching me in them.
I walked around with just the pants on for a while. Then, as I mentioned, I got cold.
As my coldness reached a crucial act-now level, I was dealing with a pile of clothing I will never wear. When I got my job almost a year ago, I realized I would need some new work clothes. My previous job at Dolby afforded my boss the freedom to wear fleece jackets, elastic waistband floods and clogs. All at the age of 42. You can just imagine what my idea of "business casual" was. My preferred shopping venue is online. And a site like bluefly.com was a favorite. Of course when I got my load of bluefly articles, TWO of them were defective. But did I return them? Oh no. That's too much work. There's a flaw in this system, I know. I've improved since then Especially with the reminder of the two articles of clothing hanging around. Yes, not only did I order them, receive them, and then not return them, I KEPT THEM AROUND for no reason I can think to give. Well, I found one of those two items today. A lovely light blue cowl neck made of jersey material. The front of the cowl neck was partially sewn to itself, giving it an assymetrical look. I've occasionally wondered whether it's supposed to be that way, but am reassured once I try it on. It's been tried on eight times now. By me.
But today, I didn't need to take it off because I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't have to wear a camisole underneath, and what's more, I did not have to wear a bra. Now, my outfit is almost complete. I have Nassim's brothers pajama-like pants on, and my defective bluefly.com cowl neck with no cami and no bra on, creating a daring plunging neck line rarely seen off the red carpet for good reason.
But really, to make the outfit whole, one should accessorize. Upon unpacking a random box, I found my one and only belt. It's a pretty awesome belt I rarely wear because one time someone took a picture of me wearing it and I looked fat in the photo. Yes, I realize the belt had nothing to do with me looking fat, and in fact, it probably helped lessen the "fatness", but somehow I associated the belt with me looking lumpy in this one photo (I think I might have had a bit too much to drink when that photo was taken and I will say I never sit up straight when I'm lit - thus accentuating the "fatness"), so I put it away to be dealt with once the sting of the photo wore off. It's a wide brown leather, with black, gold, bronze and silver rivets all over it. Very cool. So why not put it on? Why not indeed.
Now that I no longer need articles of clothing, I go about making my apartment look like a human being who gives a crap about her life lives in it.
Six hours later, I took one look at myself and realized how unironically I put myself together on this special day. I just felt I had to take a picture of myself with my cell phone, and post that bad lad on the internets for all to see. I hope this has reached in you in good spirits.
Happy Holidays, people.
PS: You can thank me later for covering my braless melons with my forearms. It was totally done on purpose.
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